Phases and Cycles

I am a person of Confidence. Extreme confidence. All through my high school career I rode the wave of aplomb (hey! do you know what that word means? ;). Peers would question me as to why I was so happy and confident. I didn't mind asking dumb questions and looking dumb because I knew very well that I was very far from that! Ask questions, answer questions, right or wrong it didn't matter because even if I was wrong, I knew that over all, I was alright! Yes. Well. As I moved on to college there came some minor impediments, but nothing I couldn't handle (eventually). And then marriage pretty decent, and then moving on with my husband to graduate school. I gained some insight of my own. I believe it all started when I was in a Sunday school class and I happily, as always, raised my hand to make a comment. But then after my comment someone, of course older and wiser, overrode me and made my comment look.... elementary! I couldn't believe it! I sounded STUPID! I'm a quick learner, so I was careful. I made one more comment on another occasion after that and the same thing happened!!!!!!! I AM STUPID!!!!!! Yes! I didn't know what I was talking about! Maybe I should go color some pictures in nursery! That was it! I learned a lot right there! And of course my confidence was shot! I made no more comments. I shut up! And I listened. And I realized that I have a lot to learn! And that a lot of people are a lot more talented than me! And have every bit as much to offer as I do and more! At that point I moved. I sheepishly stepped back out of the lime light, into the shadows to observe. And there I have stayed. Confidence dashed, and a quite more timid me than is character. Now I know that confidence shouldn't depend on how much better you are than someone else or what you can do as well or better than someone else, but in this natural, fallen world, until you learn, it seems to work that way. It's been 6? years since I learned, if you don't want to look like and IDIOT, just shut up! Don't say anything!! So I really haven't. And how long does it take to form a habit? 30 DAYS! Oh I have lots of practice! However lately, I have felt differently. While I have always had a small desire to answer or comment (small because of the consequences of past experiences [humiliation!]) I never did. But now I am feeling impressions that I should comment. At first I ignored these impressions, for the above stated reasons, but then it got to a point of impressions like, "Brooke if you have this knowledge and don't share it, the Lord won't bless you with knowledge to share!" Or "Maybe someone needed to hear what you had to contribute to the lesson, but didn't". Yes well.... Fine! OK! Fine! So after six years of silence, I have finally spoken up a few times and, to my great relief, didn't sound like a complete idiot.
Life's experiences are interesting. The toll they take on the person experiencing, and the lessons that they teach. With all that has happened to me over these few years; going from exalted to inferior. Realizing reality and becoming abased from my aplomb ;) I think I may have finally gotten past the upward climb of the cycle, and only after much thought, convincing, divine assurance, and assuring myself, am I finally coming to regain my confidence. It's so relieving to feel on the "up and up" and feel like my secure, sure self again, even though not at all to the degree that it was, but surely because of experience and better understanding. I am grateful for things like this. Situations that bring experience, although generally not the least bit fun or ego boosting, but when finished, well refine you into the person you have the potential to become. And while I believe I'm on a cycle, naturally, I will be going back down again and who knows what will happen!?! or what I will learn then! But for now I will enjoy my slowly returning confidence and the things that I have learned from it leaving me in the first place. "Those who have to contend with difficulties, brave dangers, endure disappointments, struggle with sorrows, eat the bread of adversity and drink the water of affliction, develop a moral and spiritual strength, together with a purity of life and character, unknown to the heirs of ease, and wealth and pleasure." -Elder B.H. Roberts