Castaline: Some College?

Not so long ago when I was a much younger lass, the time had finally come for me to start thinking about such things as colleges and applications. Hanging on the bulletin board wall of our church, I had often noticed a little paper stack advertisement for Rick's College. Who the heck was Rick?? And Why would I want to go his college?? Well, a year or two after that, I found myself applying to this "Rick's" College. In fact, it was the ONLY college that I applied to. How on earth was "Rick" ever convincing enough to get me to begin my life at his place you ask? Funny, when the time came for me to turn in applications, something settled in my heart, and I knew. I just knew that Rick's was where I was going. Never mind the risk of a rejection letter, that was where I was going. Period. I just knew it.
And I did.
Oh GLORIOUS freedom!!! I first attended the summer term, with full time credits for summer courses. I was incredibly busy, pulling more than 12 hour days! I had never studied so much in my life! But I LOVED it! I loved every minute of it! I felt so productive and alive! And I got just about the best grades that I had ever gotten! I was happy! I was proud! I was fulfilled! I was free! It was wonderful! Surrounded by excellent peers, and fabulous educational and social opportunities! Yet, something weighed on my heart. Something I could not pin.
The fall semester started up again soon enough. I was ready to take on my first full semester! I had chosen classes heavy in Math and Science as I was looking to go into the nursing program. It would be tough (because they were my weakest areas), but I would conquer them and do great!
I was barely a month into the semester and scarcely keeping my head above water, when I received a call from my mom. (Even now I shrink as I think to continue my tale.) She told me that she had spoken with my biological father's wife who informed her that my father had cancer and if I would like to meet him I better go now before he died.
Yes. I had never met my father. My mom and he divorced when I was 8 months old and I had never seen him since. Why? To this day I do not know. But it was a moment that I had always dreamed of! That one day he would want to meet me! And here it was, as a result of his death bed. Meeting my Father is an entirely different story and not the one I wish to focus on here, so let it suffice to say that I did meet him, and he even fed me hope against hope that he would not die. And I began to hope that maybe I could have some part of the relationship that I had wanted for so long! But he did die; and I was again left with the broken pieces of my heart.
I decided to do what I had always done: Chin up! Stiff upper lip. Brush this under the rug, and move on! I had a life to get on with, I hadn't time for wistful thinking and mourning. I would soldier on. Survive. Disappointment was no new experience, and I could deal with it just fine! And on I went!! For about a week. Yep. That worked for about exactly one week. My soul would not have my lies, and my fronts. After a week I was dragged to my knees. I was crushed! Defeated! I tried but there was nothing left in me! Once again, he took everything. My classes, my ambitions, vanished down the drain! I sank into a deep depression. I couldn't sleep at night (literally! I couldn't) I couldn't and didn't care to wake up for classes in the morning. Even if I tried, I couldn't concentrate (no, not that I didn't WANT to. Really, literally, try as I might, I couldn't!) All I could do was survive, and all I could care about was nothing. With that explanation, I am not as ashamed at telling you that I absolutely flunked my classes there on out! But seeing it on paper, I still hang my head.
That was my last semester of college. Though I tried a couple more times to begin again, I never was able to shake my depression enough to feel capable of succeeding at such a task. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my first baby, that I finally was able to return to myself again. Someone whom I had long forgotten. An endeared, lost friend that I had desperately missed, and loved. But at that point I didn't feel I was in a position to continue with my schooling.
Now here I am. Feeling very uneducated, and very dissatisfied with my knowledge, or lack thereof. And so, I have begun again. I am taking my first course now! (I hope I pass!! ;p ) I must say, It pleases me. I am enjoying learning once again, and I value it much more now.
If you read my last blog post from years and years ago, ok, well a year and 4 months ago, (I've been busy, Ok? ;) about 100 goals, that was one of mine. To get at least a BA. Now I have a slow, but steady plan, and I can absolutely see that it will be accomplished! I'm so excited!!! And perhaps 10 years from now (give or take ;) I will blog about how I've finished!! And then I can move on to what I want to be, whatever that is?! now that I will have grown up! ;)
In talking to friends, and watching people in my life, I can't help but feel; if it's a priority, or it's important enough to fit it in some how, It's never too late for your dreams! :)